Knowing When to Fail

I'm finishing up my last semester of grad school and I have come to realize something: failing isn't a bad thing.

First things first, I'm not graduating from grad school. I will no longer be attending grad school. I'll get into why I originally chose to go to grad school, the details of my time in grad school, and what I have learned.

So, I originally applied to grad school as a way of getting out to my retail job. I was working as what would be the equivalent of the general employee at a store. However, I was doing the job of about three positions for the pay of one (some of my own volition because I wanted to hang out with others and my area was dead after a certain time) and they wanted me to do higher-level work while I was still in school. For anyone who's worked in retail, this is most likely their experience and this is relatively tame compared to other things that happen in retail. I was never put in an unfair position with my superiors and I didn't deal with horrible customers that often. However, I was not happy with the way the store ran and I felt like I was being taken advantage of in terms of my work ethic. I like to do my best and was a people pleaser and good soldier at the time. It felt like, often times, that was used as a way to get me to do more work than was in my job description without the pay because of how I was.

I chose to apply to grad school to reduce my hours or quit my job. At the time, my GPA from my bachelor's was basically shit (2.0 GPA) so I was taking classes at a community college to boost my GPA for the grad school. I applied to a local university and initially didn't hear back for several months, so I thought I didn't get in. I was applying to jobs during that time, but I had been applying for at least a couple of years and was not getting any jobs (this was before the pandemic). One day, before going into work, I checked my email and saw something from the university. I decided to check it, figuring it was a rejection email. I nearly cried when I read that I had been conditionally accepted into the grad program. I went into work proud for the whole day.

A month later, I received a job offer from another company I had been applying to. I accepted and was to start a couple months. At that time, I talked to my parents and the topic of grad school came up. At that point, I had already enrolled in classes and paid my tuition. My parents thought I should drop my grad school and focus on the new job. I was more skeptical and thought that dropping out of grad school a month after being accepted would not be a good look if I ever applied somewhere else. Also, I wanted to prove to myself that I was better than I was during my bachelor's program. So I made the decision to stay in grad school.

I mentioned grad school to my new boss when I switched jobs and they were willing to be flexible with my work schedule for it. I felt like my life was finally looking up after being in such a sad state for a while. The first three semesters of grad school were great. I did really well in my classes and felt like I was exceeding expectations. However, things changed during my fourth semester.

Part of my conditional acceptance was that, since my bachelor's degree wasn't in the same field, I would take some undergraduate classes with a certain GPA and getting no less than a B-in my undergraduate classes. I also could not take more than 3 grad classes before I completed my undergraduate classes. Initially, I was fine with this, as I had made the assumption that, come enrollment time, grad students would be able to enroll in their classes first. Apparently, that wasn't the case.

I had a hard time getting into my graduate classes but I eventually got into them. However, when I started planning my four-year program, I went to a grad student program counselling night. There, I learned that half the classes' that counted for my required upper graduate may not be offered because of low grad student interest.

Now, depending on the school, grad class size will vary. In my bachelor's program, undergrads and grads would take the same classes, just with different criteria. However, at the university I chose for grad school, the grad classes would be just grad students. My parents had mentioned that they would have classes with two or three other students. Those days seemed to be over, as the colleges became more business like.

This became an issue due to two things: one, some of my grad classes were only offered every two years. This meant that if I couldn't enroll in one class, my whole program would be off by two years. That I could deal with, but there was a catch. Which brings me to my second issue: if I went more than two semesters without taking any classes, I would have to repeat the whole grad program over again, as that was seen as not being committed to the program. Yes, I could work on my thesis, but the thesis was meant to only be two semesters at most. Any longer and that would count against you, both financially and academically. Again, gone are the days when you could focus on your thesis for years.

I also had issues with balancing work, personal, and school commitments. That affected my grades this semester. I'm sure that I won't make my conditions so I may get kicked out. But I'm fine with that. I tried my best and I have good fallbacks. Will I go back to school? Maybe. But I'm fine taking a break now.

The one thing I've struggled with since this is feeling like I failed and that it's a bad thing to fail. As I've thought about it more, though, I've realized something: I had to fail. I don't see failure as an end all, be all. I see it as a learning experience. If I don't fail, I never know what I can do or how I can better myself. But I can't just fail at everything. I have to know what is good to fail at and what I can't fail at. Grad school was fine because a master's doesn't add to my current job. It would have just been an ego boost.

Have I failed at things before? Yes. But have I ever felt okay about failing? Not until now. I'm okay with learning what I'm good at and what I need to improve by failing now. It's just part of life.